


Disappearing Male Sexual Organs and other convenient Vanishing Acts

by chocolatemilk2



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Blowjobs, Fluff, John is cute and naive, M/M, detatchable penis, dildo?, kink-meme prompt, sherlock has an ego the size of his cock, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 04:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatemilk2/pseuds/chocolatemilk2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock looked down. "Have you seen my cock? It's missing."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disappearing Male Sexual Organs and other convenient Vanishing Acts

It was a sad day for everyone when Sherlock lost his penis. Mainly because Sherlock turned into an insufferable ass when angry and aggravated all their love lives, not because they knew or were actually sad that the great detective misplaced his wang.

Sherlock was very upset though, and he kept worrying his pants would fall down and everyone at the Yard would fall prey to the visage of his now smooth, barbie-like crotch. It was his worst fear that someone he knew would discover his terrible secret, most of all John, the flat mate he was closest to.

For that reason, Sherlock only employed his most distanced homeless minions on the frantic penis watch. He promised top dollar for the recovery of his (usually quite conspicuous) member, but alas no cock returned. Sherlock grew paranoid and worried for his cock. What if they liked it so much they kept it for themselves? What if his brother found it and used it as black mail?

Worse still-- what if Moriarty discovered his throbbing manhood? He could not suffer the humiliation of his worst enemy laying hands on his prize, any more than that of John knowing the dimensions of Little Sherlock and actually having a smaller dick than his blogger. Oh the shame that would be! John would think he were a freak or something if he had such a great big personality and a lesser cock.

Well Sherlock wouldn't let it come to that. He locked himself in his room and committed to the manhood-hunt.  
  


John was feeling awful bored, with Sherlock not around and when he was around sulking and drooping everywhere than alternately looking inside the curtains and down John's throat to see if he could find, "evidence of Moriarty's corruption."

John also felt pretty sad to be reminded of Moriarty, who after Mycroft was John's biggest rival for Sherlock's love. John was depressed to have all these girlfriends and a flat-mate who wouldn't even look over and be jealous when they both went out with Sarah.

Well John would show him! John would show Sherlock exactly how much he didn't need the man as an object of his sexual desire.

On that thought John stomped to his room and rooted around beneath his lampshade to find his dildo. That was weird, John thought, it was decidedly prettier and more skin-coloured than usual. Oh well, maybe he and Sherlock had got their dildos confused. Sherlock always did like realistic paintings and stuff, maybe it was to help you get into it.

Not that John needed much help. He took great satisfaction in downing the whole of the dildo in one go, imagining it to be his own.

 

Sherlock, mid venting blog post, doubled over and gasped as he felt a hot, wet sensation engulf his dick. "!!!" he typed under the Suspicions header, reaching furiously for the cock that wasn't there and shuddering and moaning as he fell off his bed onto the floor. A tongue swirled around his head and dipped back to the base, planting kisses and nibbles down his underside.

 

That was weird, John thought. The dildo seemed to be physically reacting to John's provocation, hardening and lengthening like a real cock would.

Very good world-buidling he couldn't help but notice, Sherlock had excellent taste. Oh god, Sherlock and taste were not good words to be thinking staring down at that cock, throbbing heavily in his palms.

John couldn't help but unzip his jeans and take out his own cock, fisting his hand against his erection with the dildo. "John, I want you to suck my dick," he imagined Sherlock saying, in the expectant way Sherlock demanded all his orders to be followed.

"Sherlock," John moaned, and raised the dildo his lips and started kissing the name into its skin, tracing the letters with his tongue. He imagined the fierce green eyes staring down into his own with want, and as the dildo started to leak with precome he closed his eyes and imagined it was Sherlock's cock he was having.

Sherlock's cock came down John's throat at that moment and it was surprise and fantasy enough to make the doctor clench his dick and spill all over the floor. John cleaned it up, redressed, and stomped over to Sherlock's room to ask him what was up.

"This is a really good dildo, do you know where I can get o--" John's speech cut short as he saw Sherlock sprawled there without boxers on the floor, satiated and obviously post-coital.

Sherlock saw him and his face lit up.

"You found my cock!"  


"This is your cock?" asked John, looking from Sherlock to the dildo. "But I just-- oh."

"Mmm," Sherlock hummed, fairly contentedly. "I was worried yours was bigger for a second."

"What?" said John. "How did you know it was me?"

Sherlock gave him a pitying look, which was quite an offense from someone so dishevelled. "You write your k's with a loop, not many people do."

"But why do you have a dildo cock?" John inquired, still finding the mystery unsolved.

"Lie down with me first," grumbled Sherlock. John did, and Sherlock stroked his hair in a manner that could be called fondly (if that person were not a psyho maniac). "You see," said Sherlock, reaching for his laptop and putting his penis back on. "All dildos were once cocks. The dildos you buy at a shop are dildos from clothing store mannequins they've had to take off for professional reasons. Some people like me have detachable penises because they're that hot they could model clothing for real."

"Ahh, I get it!" exclaimed John. "So my old dildo--"

"It returned to the mannequin, yes," Sherlock replied.

There was a moment of comprehending silence. "So your dick tried to run away from you?" John asked.

Sherlock stiffened. "I'm not a cock mistreater," he snarled. "Oh I knew it would come to this, I should never have been so suave as to tell you!"

"It told me, dear," John corrected.

"Oh, Sally's right, I'm a freak! I'm too sexy to inhabit this world! If only I was cloned at birth there might not be this mourning deep within me to revenge my titillating forefathers."

"Sherlock!" John interrupted. "Sherlock, I don't mind. My dildo ran away from me too, if you don't recall, so I can't say your penis can be blamed. If my cock was hard-core enough to be sentient it'd probably go on strike sometimes too."

"So you don't think I should be left to the mercy of increased rent in unshared battlements?"

"No," John soothed. A wicked grin stole his face. "In fact. I think it might be quite useful. Who knows what sort of lewd positions you can get into with a detached penis?"

"Point," said Sherlock, and proceeded to suck off his own dick.

John distracted him with masturbating though, and then deleted Sherlock's blog post about a cockchase Moriarty while Sherlock's back was turned for it.

He quite liked the look of Sherlock with only his coat on.


End file.
